saturn,jupiter,pluto,mars,venus,george...order of preference...

Friday, December 11th, 2009

skankers

Time:

3:43 pm.

I've never drank through a hangover before. Apparently, despite the fact that I have done this once in twenty years, people feel the need to tell me that my life's a "perpetual trainwreck".

Ahhh, people. Go fuck yourselves :)

Monday, December 7th, 2009

skankers

Subject:	It was vile and it was cheap.
Time:	11:44 pm.
Mood:	melancholy.
Music:	Death Cab For Cutie - Tiny Vesels.

So, happy birthday or not? I can't decide, and I have a feeling that any course of action will make me look like a douche.

I made some bad decisions at the weekend and they're still preoccupying my mind. I haven't felt this low for a few weeks, and it's not nice. Obvious statement is obvious. I met up with Sarah yesterday and had the best time just chatting about everything (as well as meeting her puppy and boyfriend for the first time). I love havign certain friends who I can not see for a while and yet still have so much to talk about with. Awful syntax there :/ But yeah, whilst that cheered me up for a good 6 hours, I still started getting blue on the way home. I also realised that it's actually much easier for me to see her in Leicester (30 mins each way) than it is to visit her in Mansfield (1hr 30mins each way). Oops.

I need to sort my head out, but I don't know why. I want to feel that I have some kind of value, but it feels like...well, I can't even put it into words. It's really stupid to just say I want to hang out with peope and not have them want anything from me.

I'm also really annoyed that Jack has been putting about the myth that I've dropped out of uni and just quit my job. That, coupled with the fact that I can no longer live with Dad, creates this impression of a lazy no-good dropout who just parties all the time, whereas in reality I am unable to work and unable to go to university as I'm so ill, and as Dad can't understand or deal with it, he won't let me live there. But of course, this is too difficult for Jack to say.

Sigh.

I just want...someone. Anyone. Maybe a hug.

Friday, December 4th, 2009

skankers

Subject:	And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.
Time:	11:06 pm.

It was interesting seeing someone the other day. It felt weird that someone actually viewed me with that much power.

A couple of days ago I had a blast from the past, and I realised how much I miss him. It's strange to think that we used to see each other pretty much every day for over a year, and we had all these little routines and sayings and had this absolutely bizarre relationship...and then suddenly everything stopped. And yet after all this, nothing sexual has happened... huh. He's coming back from uni in a week, and I want to see him. And he contacted me first. Hmm.

I'm having more psychiatric appointments and stuff. At the moment I'm seeing a psychiatrist, a community mental health nurse, and the university mental health worker, and whilst they now know what is wrong with me, they don't know how to treat it. I can easily identify why I think and behave in certain ways, and trace it all back to my childhood or what certain people have said, and recognise that I view the world through my own fucked-up little Katy filter. What I can't do is change it. So I don't know how helpful it is to be able to recognise it but do nothing about it. And, as yet, no-one else knows how to fix it. But I'm happier than I have been in a while, and I'm not drugged up to the eyeballs with a medication that I don't actually need.

Everyday I become more annoyed by Pat's boyfriend. I'm certain that he's not a bad person, but all his annoying little habits are making me hate him (and that's making me rather angry with myself). I think I just find it impossible to live with people and not want t kill them after a certain amount of time :P But seriously: WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER YOU GO TO THE TOILET. (This is one of many, many things but grrrr...)

Disjointed entry is disjointed.

Saturday, November 28th, 2009

skankers

Time:	11:42 pm.
Music:	Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky.

Whoa. Thursday night was the messiest I've been in...at least 4 months. I knew it was a bad idea to start the night off by getting drunk on Archer's and Sprite in Subway :/ Poor times. Apparently there was some awkwardness but no major drama, just a lot of fun :) And bad photos.

Been a bit down this week though, which has sucked. It's been productive (and I've finally got my Sick Note!) but the good mood that I had been experiencing since quitting my job had waned slightly.

I'm reading Frankenstein and it is GOOD. Awesome literary critique there.

Still no sex drive. Not sure whether or not this is a good thing.

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